Visiting Mihir's resting place for the first time

I thank every one who understood my pain. It still hurts to know that I was put in blind all these years. However, I went to Mihir's resting place, took some flowers and sat there for a while. I wanted to take Mahi (our rainbow) with me so that Mihir can see her. It was cold and windy so I dropped that idea. One day when the weather is good for the LO, I am going to take her to see her brother's resting place. I am sure Mihir would have wanted same thing. It felt utterly silent while I was there. Something missing - a big deep hole in my heart. For a while, I felt disconnected from everything. I didn't know why I was there, what I was doing. Just that strange feeling....its been 1 year 6 months since Mihir passed away...I felt as much pain as I felt when he passed away. I didn't want to leave him. It was very windy and cold that I didn't want to leave my baby there.

When I got home - It took me a while to regather my self. I didnot cry - this was something more than that - a deep abyss in my heart.

You have a litle baby sister now

Miki,
I love you my son. You are now a big brother to your little sister. I see you in her. She would have been so proud of you has her big brother. Unfortunately, god wanted you more than us and he took you away from us. We named your little sister Mahathi Krishna, just like how we named you Mihir Krishna. Your initials are same. One day when your little sister grows up, I will tell her about you. You will be forever remembered my son. Mommy loves you very much.

So much time has gone by..

My dear son Miki, Its been 9 months since we said good bye to you. Every bit of my heart aches for you for what you would have been when you are here with us. Every time I see a baby I think of you. You would have been our joy and now we are to live forever with out you. I wait for the day I see you and meet you. I will know you as my son right away. Mom misses you very much baby!

I never got to hear you laugh

you never saw me cry

didnt get a chance to say "Hello"

you never said "Goodbye"

I didn't think that I could feel

so sad, lost and forlorn.

I never knew God chose his Angels

before some of them were born.

Your life was short yet special

I shared it all exclusively

I felt you breathe, I felt you kick.

You were alive inside of me.

Every baby is an Angel

and every angel is divine

God needed one in heaven

He came down and took mine

And although we are not together

we're not really apart

for you'll always occupy a space

deep within my heart.

Time has begun to ease my pain

It's only some days now I cry.

When I wish I could have said "Hello"

and heard you say "Goodbye"

- Author Unknown

Update on Mihir

Finally, after 6 long months, my doctor mentioned that they had a meeting about Mihir with other perinatologists in the area and they have all come to conclusion that it was a Cord accident. I do not know how they came to that conclusion, but I am shattered to know that. I am not able to think how much pain it would have caused my baby and how much he would have suffered trying to get out of the misery. I feel like I failed him. He should have been with us now...he would have been 6 months and Its hard to cope up with our loss. Mikki, I miss you very much my son. Daddy also misses you. You will be staying very close to mommy and will be loved forever my baby. 

Mihir - You are going to be a big brother soon

Mikki, 

I wanted to tell you how much I love you. You are going to be a big brother soon and I want you to remember that I will always love you and miss you no matter how many children I will have. You are my first born and god was very cruel to take you away from me and daddy. As soon we came to know the news..the first thing that popped up in my mind is How much I miss you and How much your brother/sister will miss you. Please watch over us baby. Please watch over your lil brother/sister. Mommy loves you very much baby. I wish I can hold you in my arms and give a gentle kiss on your soft cheeks. You know you will be always missed. 

Mihir..I miss you my baby

Mihir, 

Mommy misses you very much. This month, you would have turned 6 months. We miss seeing your milestones. While you faar away from us physically, you are always in my thoughts and you are dearly missed by daddy also. I love you baby. 

Mommy

Do I Conceive only to Misconceive?

Those of you who are following my blog know that I had my Day 21 progesterone test done and the results were 55 (way above normal range).

On March 26th, I had my first serum HCG test and It was only 4. Anything above 3 is considered positive....but 4 is not too high either. 

On March 30th, my second serum HCG results showed 13 - Now my doctor said I am definitely pregnant - but the number is low for the days after ovulation (15 DPO).

..and then I saw my doctor on March 31st - had internal exam - she checked my cervical area and all....and then checked the health of uterus by pressing on the abdomen etc...

She wrote a HCG scanning lab order for me so that I can go get my HCG checked every 3 days. 

I have my next HCG test scheduled for Thursday. 

Since after coming back from my doctor's office, I have been bleeding very heavily....

Today morning I got up - took shower, put a heavy pad and then even before I left home for work, I had to change my pad...had big clots too. 

Now I am thinking probably the internal exam had triggered the inevitable M/C or something. 

Why should god make me go through all this? Why is he punishing me like this?

The more I see..the more I miss

Isn't it obvious? that's what you may be thinking....

Yes that's obvious...but I am going through something that's not obvious...pain that cuts my throat when I see a baby in a mother's arms. 

I have been sinking deeeep into this loneliness that no one can even grasp. The pain of loosing a child is excruciating and I wish no one should go through this..not even my enemy. 

I miss my baby very much. I miss his first cooing...I miss seeing my baby's first milestones...He would have looked just like hid daddy. They would have been a team...bullying me...Oh gosh!..I miss all that. 

No one understands what's going on..

We have started TTCing in Feb. It didn't work that month so we moved on to March. I was very hopeful and optimistic for March. We came to know we were pregnant with Mihir in March of 2008. So I had very high hopes. Guess what?....I started spotting (more than spotting) right after the day I Ovulated. I am on Baby aspirin and Prometrium. I do not which one is causing this horrendous spotting....But I am loosing hope. 

I was tested for Day 21 progesterone and It came back pretty normal..actually way over normal range (55)

and yesterday they tested for serum HCG which came back at 4. 0-3 is considered non-pregnant. Last month my serum hcg was 2. This time it's 4..so even my doctor isn't sure of what's happening. 

Yesterday, I got sick of whole thing and stopped taking baby aspirin..guess what!...my spotting went from Red to brown. I am afraid to stop aspirin though!. I don't want another miscarriage because of this. But at the same time, it has reduced my spotting...getting confused here..

My doctor wants to test my serum HCG in a week (possibly on Tuesday). But I am not keeping my hopes high....I think what ever lining I needed to sustain this , is gone through spotting. I don't think any lining is left now. 

Can you spell magic on me?